8th March 2024
Being a Teen Today
It is very easy for adults to look back on their own teenage stage of life and say that being a teen has always been tough. Vivid memories of feeling awkward in our own skin due to any number of self-perceived personality faults or physical defects – being spotty, or too tall or not tall enough, or not strong and muscular or not funny enough, play havoc with our emerging self-image.
As a teen it is one of the most destructive blows to self-confidence to be constantly making comparisons with friends and acquaintances of the same age and telling the brain, through inner dialogue, ‘ Im not clever like Amy/Im not fast like Benjamin/ Im not popular like Poppy and Ruby’. Personal development Coaches like myself understand that the brain works to find the evidence for opinions and beliefs already held and will ignore evidence that contradicts our firm beliefs.
We have over 60,000 thoughts a day and Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University has identified that 90% of these thoughts can be repetitive. These thoughts are made up of negative, positive and ‘inquisitive’ thoughts. The human brain builds pathways to transmit information and the more often we think an identical thought the more this pathway and the thought become entrenched. What we feed our brain in terms of positive or negative thoughts is something that we can control. With practise and awareness it is possible to notice a thought, consider how we feel at the moment of thinking it, and edit the thought to improve our mood and wellbeing. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is based on this three step model.
Back to the habit of making comparisons with our closest family and friends. For many decades teens compared themselves to a relatively small number of people known to them and maybe a few music idols or sporting heroes. My teenage years were spent buying every Blondie single and album as soon as it was released. I had two scrapbooks full of newspaper cuttings and magazine photos of the band members. For me Debbie Harry dressed in a unique way and performed with a certain aloofness that I found really intriguing. Today’s teens who nearly all own a smart phone have 24 hour access to Instagram influencers, Tik Tok stars and other celebrity social media figures that provide limitless images of what is currently the desired look, the aspirational lifestyle or even the ideal romantic relationship.
Despite knowing that only the influencer’s happy times are shared on social media, when an influencer is usually looking their best, this stream of highly-curated and, quite frankly, inauthentic material leads to chronic self-doubt among teenagers. The addiction to posting ‘best moments’ on instagram and keeping up with regular posts means that making social comparisons amongst teens has reached a global level. I know that when teens cannot get to sleep during the night they often scroll through media accounts and look to feel less alone in their wakeful periods.
I can work with your teen to lessen the habit of making comparisons which has been called ‘a thief of joy‘. It creates discontentment and can mean that precious talents and personal qualities are not recognised by a teen. By guiding a teen client to identify their positive and negative thoughts (and the impact of these), plus looking for the evidence of a negative belief and always identifying personal strengths, positive self-image is created.