1st September 2024

Parenting triggers and hot emotions

Parenting Triggers

A trigger occurs when our teenager says or does something that activates an emotional wound from our childhood or adolescence. When I listened to my teenage daughter talk about her close friends and the fun that they had as a group my emotions got stirred up. I would despise myself for feeling sorry for myself; I was the teenager who lacked self confidence and I chose to stand at the edge of a group of girls and wait to be included. What I came to realise is that my growth as a person was always going to give me some uncomfortable moments.

My daughter’s approach to friendships was the polar opposite to my memories of being a teenager – she was vibrant, fun and loved to be centre stage. When her friends celebrated a birthday she was always sat next to the birthday girl, shining with mutual happiness and contentment. As parents we find ourselves suddenly feeling angry or hurt or sad as a memory gets prodded. However, how we react is something we can control with awareness and with practise.

It is really important not to blame your son or daughter for making you feel a certain way. What they have just said or done is NOT the reason why you are fuming or feeling tearful. You are feeling this level of emotion because a wound that has remained unhealed has been triggered.

Hot Emotions

It is possible to feel an emotion very intensely and I think the term ‘hot emotion’ helps us to stop and think, ‘Why am I feeling this angry so quickly?’. Or maybe your hot emotion is one of frustration, ‘Why do we keep returning to this topic and not seeing eye to eye?’. A hot emotion is not always a negative emotion, it is any feeling that is intense and raises your body temperature. Moreover, maybe giving extravagant and repeated praise is your hot emotion.

What to do to regain a calm state?

Step One: Take a pause and ask yourself, ‘What emotion am I feeling?’. To name an emotion is to put some distance between you and the feeling.

Step Two: Be accountable for the origin of your anger/sadness/frustration etc. Were you shamed or rejected in your past by a parent when you made too much noise or asked for new toys or showed disappointment in a birthday or christmas gift?

Step Three: Breath deeply and focus on the present. Your nervous system goes into flight-fight-freeze mode and the stress hormone cortisol circulates round your body. Your thinking brain is switched off and the primitive brain designed for survival starts to take charge.

Step Four: Avoid sarcasm or saying something hurtful. Your son or daughter will observe how you regain self control or how you fail to do this. Model positive ways to calm down like going for a walk or listening to music or petting a cat or dog if at home.

Hot emotions are a window into our past. There is no reason to blame ourselves for this sudden ‘volcanic’ eruption but we will benefit from adopting strategies for this alarming experience. Being kind to ourselves and our hurt ‘inner child’ can restore some calm and order and empower us moving forwards.