17th January 2024

Regulating emotions with self-management

There are a few key skills that teenagers need help with in their journey to independence. One of the key skills is learning to regulate their emotions. This is also called self-management. For future success in the workplace and for personal happiness a person needs to be able to understand what emotion they are experiencing and how to return to a state of calm.

How can we as parents help our teenagers learn this skill?

• By modelling healthy ways to overcome strong emotions when we are with our teenage children. For example, if you are disappointed by your football team’s poor result, how long does it take you to return to a cheerful state of mind? Do you comfort yourself with food or drink or a distraction like gaming or do you do something active like go for a walk or help your partner with a household chore that is overdue?
• In order to become more self-aware teenagers need a vocabulary of words to express a wide range of feelings. We as parents might have grown up with a narrow range of describing words to label strong emotions. Very often it’s all we can do to recognise when we are feeling, ‘mad, sad or bad’.
• There are Eastern cultures that use rituals and habits to create feelings of calm. A short daily meditation, a visualisation or being mindful as we make a mug of tea can help restore feelings to a more balanced state. By using our senses and bringing ourselves into the present moment we can adjust our feelings. I personally listen out for bird song if I’m outdoors or observe small details like slowly emerging green shoots in the ground.
• There is a belief that ‘all behaviour is a form of communication’. Instead of trying to guess how your teenager is feeling (a practice called mind-reading) aim to develop the art of asking open-ended questions and therefore avoid hearing a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer. The more your teen gets used to sharing details of their day in an informal way, the more self-aware they become.
• Open-ended questions start with what/where/when/who and which? ‘How’ is a great question word also. Be careful with ‘Why? as a question opener because it can often make the listener feel defensive. For example, ‘How are you feeling…about your end of year exams?’, ‘your friend being off with you?, or, ‘your boss giving the best shifts to Sophie?’
• It takes years to learn the skill of self-management but the really good news is that with practice and increased awareness your teen can benefit from this key life skill.