19th April 2024
Teens and Building Confidence
In my role as a Wellbeing Officer, at a large sixth form college, I had a lot of male and female students ask for help with confidence. In this role I advised students aged 16 to 19 years old. This area of building self confidence in teens is definitely one that parents can play a part in.
The reasons for low confidence:
Why do so many tweens (9 to 12 year olds) and teens have sometimes crippling self doubt and a lack of confidence?
- Hormones and puberty play a part and a teen is likely to compare themselves to their friends and feel inferior or superior because of this. Teens are fixated by how clear their skin is, what body shape and weight they have, if they have ‘desirable features’ like glossy hair or if they have a muscular frame. This stage of development ramps up feelings of being self-conscious to a really high level.
- The human brain is wired to hold on to negative comments and forget positive ones. Celebrities with a huge number of followers might read twenty flattering posts about themselves, but they will latch on to the few critical posts. We all hold firm beliefs about our popularity, intelligence, desirability and so on. We tend to remember the evidence that backs up our beliefs and forget the new evidence that contradicts it.
- Neuro-diversity and praise – The majority of students have heard a lot of praise during their junior school days. This might be for a good grade or a sporting achievement or simply for being kind and helpful. Children who are dyslexic, autistic or who have ADHD traits will often hear fewer or no comments of praise. They do not find day to day living and learning as straightforward as neuro-typical children. This impacts hugely on their self-esteem.
Try these strategies:
Its a skill – A powerful message to give to teens is, ‘Confidence is a skill and if it is a skill it can be practised and improved‘.
For example, I helped a student prepare for a work placement in a school. We looked at the big picture of her being new in the school. I asked her these questions:
‘ What information about the school will help you to feel confident?’. Her answers included: the time to arrive, what was expected of her and the name of the teacher .
Teens really benefit from knowing that they can ask questions when they do not have all the information that they need. But teens need to know how to ‘advocate’ for themselves. How to be polite, and what level of formality to use, in verbal and email communication is a life skill. A great question for a parent to ask is ‘Who can help you to feel better prepared?’.
Note that these questions are open-ended to encourage a teen to find their own answers/way forward. Try to avoid telling your teen the answers and providing solutions. This is disempowering.
The visualisation technique – This is a coaching technique that will work for a parent in relation to their teen. To visualise feeling confident requires a little imagination and a degree of faith that there is a benefit to doing it. By thinking of the 5 senses and adding a lot of detail to the imagined scene, a teen can boost their optimism about succeeding.
For example, for a driving test scenario. Guide your teen to imagine every step of the process, from meeting the examiner, to parking up at the end. Imagine in the smallest detail that the test is going excellently. When your teen imagines that they are relaxed happy and smiling, that they are ‘in flow’, then the outcome of the test will be given a boost. This method can be applied to any situation which is causing some anxiety in your teen.
Regularly taking an interest in what your teen is trying to do in school (or college) and with groups and clubs and praising EFFORT and PERSEVERANCE will help to build a confident individual.