16th August 2024

When your teenager is rude and how to handle it

I remember vividly how tempting it was to be sarcastic or rude in response to my teenage daughter’s anger outbursts. Being told that I was irritating or patronising when I always aimed to be polite was a bitter pill at times. The expletives that were shouted regularly felt like an unprovoked attack on my good nature!.

But there was and always is a context for these tough moments of one-sided hostility. I recommend that the parents of teenagers DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY when their teenager shouts and becomes critical. It helped me a lot to remain calm when I read that the teenage brain works in a way that means teenagers often do not read facial expressions accurately. This means that they can take offence and read disapproval from a parent or an adult when this is not the case.

I made it a priority to not punish rudeness in the way I was punished as a teenager in the 1980s. Being sent up to my room to miss the evening meal, I never knew for how long I was going to be banished; it was an era when parents could still smack and hurt their children with no understanding of the lasting impact that this can create. It is a big challenge to remain polite and reaffirm expectations around being respectful when inside your emotions are churning.

There is a reward waiting for you

What is the reward for parents who try to understand that ‘all behaviour is communication’?. At the age of 19 years old my daughter wrote a card that she had made for my birthday. She apologised for the times she was critical or quick to mock me – my regular reflexology sessions, my painting and my regular afternoon meditations – for example. She had questioned these activities in a way that reversed the myth of the snowflake generation!. She wrote that she appreciate the respectful way that I had treated her during her years of rudeness and judgement.

She has continued to write the most loving and expressive cards every Christmas and birthday. Expressing thanks for the way that I raised her. In the place of the hard exterior that I adopted in the face of harsh punishments and my mother’s mood swings my daughter has remained close to me emotionally. My capacity to remain calm gave her the scope to vent feelings that she had not yet learned to manage in positive ways.

What is DISC?

In a family made up of individuals there are a variety of styles of communication. I trained and got an accreditation in DISC profiling (logo is featured) because I know that this profiling system has real value to unlock the misunderstandings present in family interactions. If you are a ‘D’ type of person you are likely to be short on detail when you speak or write and want swift action in your daily decision-making.

As an ‘I’ type you tend to be very verbal and use charm to win over a group in a situation that requires a decision. An ‘S’ type makes decisions after all the facts are presented and with great care; a ‘C’ type will consider a decision in the frame of maintaining a consensus. In many other elements DISC helps us all to understand at home and at work why some personalities clash.